Independence Day and Unlimited Vacations

Today is Independence Day. If you live in the U.S, you are probably spending this day not working, and using it however you want. 

I think I can speak for most when I say that vacation days are appreciated by all working Americans. Recently, I came across an article that spoke of some companies now granting unlimited vacations. Is this not the ultimate dream? A job that gives you the ability to decide when and how much vacation you can take, and you can take as much as you want! You may think that anyone would prefer this option over the standard two weeks paid time off. 

But actually, we're much more complicated than that, as the article shows that in companies where this is practiced, they find that their employees take less time off, not more! Why would this be? Most people struggle with internalized moral principles that prevent them from giving themselves what they think they want out of fear of losing respect as a good employee-after all, this privilege is given to you because your manager "trusts" you.  Indeed, the unlimited policy expects you to know how to use it appropriately, and thus you can't fully enjoy the benefit because of an irritating side effect called guilt and shame. 

I have noticed that many of my clients who work in tech companies with unlimited vacations and other flexible benefits, feel anxious about their work performance. They struggle with perfectionism, over-working, self-doubt, procrastination. And after they leave the office, work is still on their minds. When I ask what their manager says, often times they will say that their manager thinks they are doing fine, or that they don't have a manager to ask. It would seem that my clients feel that the responsibility of management is theirs, a responsibility that comes with some emotional baggage. Their inner-managers are critical and demanding. 

The hidden irony about independence is that it can sometimes lead us away from our self-interest, because we lose sight of who the "self" really is.  If we have the freedom of choice, then we can freely choose...to work for other people?

To understand how you developed your sense of autonomy, you can look at the relationship between a parent and their teenage child. As the teen grows up and starts to assert their independence, their parents set boundaries to teach them what's right versus wrong, and that there are consequences to their actions. Eventually, the teen reaches the age of adulthood and is free to live any way they want, regardless of what their parents think. Through trial and error, they learn how to take care of themselves physically and emotionally, pursue and define their own happiness, and choose the people they want to be influenced by. 

But the path to self-reliance is far from easy. We encounter several obstacles, finding ourselves lost, confused, and feeling bad about ourselves and our choices. And then we trick ourselves into thinking we can't live on our own. These are the times when independence is mistaken for loneliness. 

Becoming truly independent is a lifelong process of understanding who you are and accepting responsibility for your desires. You permit yourself to seek help and guidance from others again- this time willingly, and admit to not knowing what you thought you knew. It is about examining your values, ideals, fears, aspirations, and yes, your limitations. Finally, we learn how to limit ourselves as the means to personal freedom. 

If you want freedom (and unlimited vacations), you also want the responsibilities that come with it. This is exactly what our forefathers knew when they founded democracy.

What To Do With Your Time

Time is a serious issue. As human beings, we suffer from the knowledge that our existence is finite, and therefore our time on earth- and what we do with it- matters a lot. We tend to think of time as a resource that is slowly and steadily depleting itself- even as you read this!

We've created the idea of wasting time, time that is spent doing nothing of value. We aim to maximize and control time, stressing out about getting as much done as possible. We've invented cars, airplanes, and the internet, all in the name of saving this precious quantity of time.  

Unlike money, you can't hoard time or save it for a rainy day. You can’t know how much you have left. You can’t get a refund on time- once it’s gone, it’s gone forever. 

Sounds depressing, right? This is how we’ve been conditioned to view time, a nonrenewable resource that we can never, ever, have enough of. This perspective has produced unimaginable human progress, but it comes with a deep cost to our psyches- a persistent angst about whether or not we are using our time on earth efficiently. 

But in nature, time is simply an agent of change. Time turns seeds into trees, water into rain, an apple core into compost. The rush to get things done as fast as possible is unnecessary. This is why Lao Tzu asks us to observe that, “Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” 

Glimpses of the present moment allow us to see time in consistent, steady action, time moving things along without any effort or stress of our own. Try closing your eyes or looking down at the floor, taking a few deep breaths and sitting for 2-3 minutes, and notice what happens. Thoughts and feelings come and go, and physical sensations arise and transform. Through this awareness one can appreciate the effects of time as what it really is, which is change. Fully acknowledging change is to experience time and being alive.

When we were children we happily looked forward to our growth, celebrating birthdays, graduating and learning new skills, gaining new experiences. But as we get older, we don’t like it as much and we start to become attached to ideas of ourselves in our own minds, determined to stay the same and defeat the effects of time.

If you find yourself stuck in any way, you are likely resisting change. It's scary to submit to nature’s timeline, which is a life that eventually ends in loss. And so you retreat from the outside and close yourself off from anything new and different. Time then becomes your enemy, a danger to ward off in as many ways as possible. 

Time is not hands on a clock or the number of years you have lived. Time is change. To live harmoniously with time is to experience yourself growing, evolving, and being shaped by outside forces in each waking and dreaming moment.

As much as you try, you can't hold on to time. Letting go means allowing yourself to change.

Are you afraid of being alone?

Are you embroiled and enmeshed in your unhealthy codependent relationship? Are you silencing yourself for the sake of getting along with your friend or partner?

For those who answered yes to the above, I have only one sentence of advice for you: Spend time alone. Build alone time into your week and turn it into a regular intentional practice. 

Is it really as bad as you think to be alone? We fool ourselves into thinking that being alone is the fear when in actuality, we are allowing others to take control of our lives, determine our worth, and undermine our agency- what could be more fearful that that? 

You probably know that being alone is important, but emotions tell you otherwise. Feelings of confusion and helplessness send us running towards other people. Either they will know what to do, or you can focus on their problems instead of your own. While it feels good in the moment, eventually you are on your own again with your distress! 

Instead, spend time alone and give yourself the opportunity to be your own best friend and confidant. You will build personal power when you can tolerate the initial anxiety that comes with facing your inner conflicts.

I'm not saying that you should never depend on other people. I'm saying that if you spend enough time alone, you will be much better at knowing when is the right time to depend on others. This shift in perspective frees you to be responsible for making your own choices in life.

How to Practice Being Alone:

1) Meditate: Meditation is just a tool for cultivating presence in your body and mind. You can start by focusing on your breathing: take 3 long deep breaths with 6 seconds on the inhale and exhale. 

2) Start a creative project:  There’s nothing more fulfilling than expressing yourself creatively, and you need a lot of alone time to be able to focus on your craft! Pay attention to your ideas, dreams, and sparks of interest, and work on turning them into a reality.

3) Take yourself out on a date: Do anything by yourself that you imagine doing with someone else. Go to the movies, go for a long and interesting walk, or how about a three week trip to a country you've never been before? 

4) Go to therapy: Even though you can be alone with yourself, you may still need another person to listen. The role of a therapist is to assist in helping you to explore your inner world and work out your conflicts in a nonjudgmental, supportive environment.  

Why Not Be Defined By Your Mistakes?

Have you ever heard people say, “Don’t be defined by your mistakes?” The idea behind it is to encourage you to forgive yourself for your misdeeds and see yourself as a good-enough person.  

At first glance, I would agree with this sentiment and have found it useful myself. Forgiveness is key to moving on from mistakes and softening that harsh, punishing inner critic. 

But one day I thought about it further, and the more I thought about it, the more I asked myself, “Well, then, what does define a person?" What else could possibly define one's unique individuality other than their mistakes? Creative people know this well. When practicing any craft, mistakes are what deviate from the standard and consequently innovate its form. Mistakes are what lead to artistic brilliance that cannot be obtained in any other way. And you can be sure that an artist will take credit for their mistakes. 

It’s just that when it comes to activities where real risk and loss are involved, we have an automatic inclination to run from our mistakes and say “That’s Not-Me”. The Not-Me is often described like an alien possessing your soul, the dark “force", that condemns you to take the fall for actions beyond your control. This is not a peaceful relationship to have with yourself, having to vigilantly avoid making errors everywhere you go. In subtle forms, mistakes are like an irritating bug that you quickly flick away. “It was just a mistake. Forget about it.” 

True, a mistake is just a mistake…but it’s not so easy to forget about it. Because the way we interpret mistakes and their subsequent effects on our lives are much more compelling to us. I find that often times, mistakes are made when we are too afraid of making a difficult choice. They serve as a wake up call, a motivating voice inside that forces you to make some sort of change that you are consciously resisting. If we miss these uncanny signals the first time around, the voice will get louder, and so will the mistakes.

Mistakes should not be ignored, but instead embraced for personal growth. What would happen if we paid close attention to our mistakes, just as an artist would? Even further, put yourself in uncomfortable situations where you are bound to make mistakes, and see what happens. 

Let yourself be defined by your mistakes, and see who you become. 

PS: And no, you cannot try to purposely “make mistakes,” for you know it doesn't work that way! 

How did your parents say I Love You?

If you are not a very outwardly feeling person, you may not think you would want to go to therapy or get much out of it. When I became a therapist, it was tempting to believe that there were in fact, people who were "bad" at articulating their feelings. But I've always come back to realizing that there is no such thing. You can be as eloquent as Oprah Winfrey and still be guarded, defended, and scared out of your mind. 

When speaking about matters of the heart, eloquence doesn’t matter. Intelligence doesn’t matter. It doesn't matter how "open" you are. If you can speak, you can be in therapy.

Talking about feelings will look and sound different across gender, race, ethnicity, language, and socioeconomic class. I know that for many Asian American children of immigrants, they may not have heard their parents say I love you to them, but nevertheless heard the words through their actions. Perhaps their parents worked hard to support the family, pushed their children to do their best in school, and expressed worry about their physical health. This is love. And every single person experiences and communicates in a non-verbal form of communication, because what else did we have before we learned how to talk?  

Therapy is a talking cure- it will help you translate your actions into words, words that fit just for you, empowering you to own your unique subjective voice. This is important for many reasons, the main one being that if we can’t speak about our suffering, the pain will make itself visible in extremely real ways. Instances of violence, sexual misconduct, eating disorders and drug abuse are a few serious examples of when we act out what is not heard. It is good to talk it out instead. 

You May Think You Don't Want Power...

People who abuse their power over others tend to be depicted as the evil villains in the news. Catching them in the act of manipulating us or getting away with injustice are full-time jobs for journalists. When you’ve been exposed to obscene displays of power, it’s easy to think, “I will never, ever, be like that.” Maybe you had a tyrannical father, or an awful dictator boss who made your life hell. You want to be fair, just, and harmless to others, conducting yourself with an earnest will of good faith and valuing equality above all else.

Until the betrayal happens.

• The date who led you on and ghosted after you treated them to a fancy dinner.
• Your friend who always seems to need your shoulder to cry on, never returns the support, and you’re fed up.
• Your co-worker-who is really good at flattering the boss but takes the credit for most of the work that you do- just got the promotion and you did not.
• Your social justice non-profit that fights on behalf of marginalized populations, just laid your manager off with no warning or explanation.

These are situations that took you by surprise, blindsided you, and left you boiling with anger. You started to protect yourself from others, deeming entire groups of people unsafe, becoming jaded and disillusioned by the world.  Sound familiar?

This is what the game of power looks like, the chess board of human interactions. You may think you don’t want to play, but you already are. We all are, since the day our parents told us, “Not under our roof” and we started plotting the road to independence. You want control over your autonomy, and therefore you have to gain power over the people who can give you that autonomy.

It takes some people a very long time to realize the game of power and their role in it, while for others they grew up overly aware. At some point, repetitive life experiences of failure and rejection will force you reckon with a world where you are entitled to nothing. 

Pent up aggression results from losing the game too many times, and you will explode at some point when you're not being vigilant. But rather than continue to see your anger as your enemy, you can become good friends with it. 

Does this mean you will become an outwardly diabolical monster? Nah. Quite the opposite, you will become a better person, in control of your emotions and need to act out harmful wishes against yourself or others. Your abilities of interpreting the actions and words of other people will improve and you won't be as quick to react impulsively.

The logic is simple: when you stop demanding others to act the way you want them to,  resentment disappears. 

In life, you don’t have to be the sore loser. Learn how to play the game. 

How to Argue With Feelings (Don't)

Have you ever tried to rationally argue with a person who believes something based purely on their strong feelings? I bet it didn't go so well. Maybe it was about hot topics like gun reform or immigration, issues that have dire consequences if we don't all agree on what's important.

You tried to educate them. Used hard facts to prove your point, with logical questioning, threw in information from an article you found on the internet from a reputable news source. Still, no change in the outcome. Finally, you asked them, why do you believe something is true without any evidence or proof? 

"Because it feels true," they will say.

How do you argue with that? The answer is simple: You don't. 

Almost every single client I've had has told me in some way or another that they feel like something’s true, even if they "rationally" know it is not. They are aware it doesn't make sense to others, but they can't help but think it. This sentiment is ubiquitous, regardless of your age, gender, race or education level. I recommend learning how to recognize it in yourself first.

I have listened as people tell me all kinds of things they cannot help but believe about themselves or others, often guilty or fearful thoughts that enable them to sabotage themselves through avoidance and shame. This is not caused by a chemical brain imbalance, but a part of the human condition. 

Arguing against feelings will in fact make them stronger. Even if we're momentarily talked out of it, the thoughts always come back to gain the upper hand- usually in secret when no one's watching. We tend to go back to our old habits fairly quickly.

It is necessary then, to pursue a completely different tactic when dealing with feelings, whether in ourselves or other people.  Let go of reason and ask questions instead.  Ask yourself, why am I feeling this way? What is the story behind this feeling? Does it serve a function in my life? How does this feeling make sense in a way I haven't thought of before? What is being communicated that can't be put into words? 

When you ask questions instead of argue, you open up a space for actually getting to the heart of the matter, and more importantly a chance to understand and connect with a loved one. 

While it's easy to assume that there is a right or wrong answer, the truth is only found in searching for it.

What Free Speech Means to a Therapist

An all-important question of our times, is what does free speech mean to you?

Depending on who you are, your answer to this question will differ from one another in a drastic way.  I would like to consider now, what free speech means from the perspective of a psychotherapist.

I think of myself as a professional listener of free speech. My hours are spent using creative methods to encourage my clients to share and express themselves as honestly as possible. I help people be able to voice their thoughts and feelings that they have never before put into words. I remind them frequently that they are free to say anything, and I mean it: anything. 

Yet even in the confidential, compassionate, unbiased space that I do my best to provide, I find that many people still struggle to speak about the things they are the most afraid to say. They confront all kinds of inner demons in the process: the fear of being judged, the fear of retaliation, the fear of being boring, the fear of sounding narcissistic, the fear of saying the wrong thing, the fear of being bad, the fear of not making sense. The list of fears go on and on. Many sessions are devoted to talking about the fear itself. 

I'm not describing everybody, but definitely more people than you think are helpless against the oppressive regime of self-censorship. This is normal human behavior designed to help us get along with each other, although we pay for it with symptoms of psychological pain- hence the need for "talk therapy."

For therapists, helping someone with speaking about what's important to them feels less like giving them a microphone and soapbox, and more like a dentist pulling teeth.  It's no fun when words are all you have to express unspeakable suffering. There’s guilt and embarrassment involved. There's a letting go of how you wish to see yourself. There’s a responsibility to explain yourself. There’s fragmentation and incoherence. Again, all of these feelings about speaking are completely typical and expected. And being able to speak in spite of it is precisely what helps. 

In today's society, we usually value the loud and extroverted types as our leaders, the ones who dominate conversations in groups. Inside my office, I see and value the ones most afraid to speak. The shy, timid middle school girl who works hard each week to find the words to describe her deepest desires. The anxious "nice guy" who can finally admit that he gets angry sometimes. The couple who finally stop their battle over who is right in order to simply want to listen to one another. 

Free speech can take on many different interpretations, but to me, the people who exemplify it are the ones who use speech to free themselves.